Sunday, June 14, 2015

Torture

I knew in advance what lay ahead for me. In the back of my mind I wanted to believe that I could find a way out. Right up to the last minute I tried to put it out of my mind and hoped maybe it would just go away. But that never works and this time proved to be no exception. So I steeled myself to face the inevitable. I wasn’t alone but  my partner in this venture did not provide any solace. She was the reason I was here in the first place and even seemed to take a sick pleasure in what was going on.  My only comfort lie in the fact that this was only temporary and would soon be over. Soon is subjective though.
Almost immediately I could feel sweat breaking out on my forehead and  tension starting to churn in my stomach. “Steady now”, I told myself. “You can’t let it get to you  this quickly or you’ll never make it”, and so I soldiered on. As I took in my environment I could see others who shared my struggle.  Some like me were just beginning their sentence while others had the haggard look of veterans who had already seen and endured too much. I knew I would soon be joining their ranks.
The first thing I noticed was the pain in my feet, nothing much at first, just a dull ache. That was soon to be followed by cramping in my back and legs. Fatigue set in even more quickly than I had anticipated and for the first time fear crept in. “If it’s this bad now”, I thought, “what is it going to be like later?” That was a question I didn’t want answered.  That's because I already knew the answer.
Worse than the physical pain was what I endured mentally. What I looked at, I don’t even want to think about  now. In addition, my ears were  subjected to what can only be regarded as a brutal assault. This two pronged  attack on my senses began to wear me down. My brain fogged up. It was difficult to form coherent sentences or understand even  the simplest sentences directed at me. I started to hum songs to myself to keep from going mad or maybe it was because I was already going mad.
I looked at my phone to see how long this had  been going on. I was shocked to see how little time had passed. What seemed like hours was mere minutes. It was like I was trapped in a Twilight Zone episode where time stops, where hours take days and nothing and nobody ever seems to age.  My fear grew.
My companion however didn’t seem to be feeling any ill effects at all. She seemed oddly energized by this horrible place. What I  found excruciating she found fascinating. What had me begging for mercy had her hungering for more. I have to admit that while I found this to be  more than just a little disturbing I also admired whatever inner strength she possessed that enabled her to thrive. It was quite amazing.
I finally reached the limit to what I believed I could endure. The pain in my feet had grown to a full on throbbing burn. My legs ached and my back felt like it was going to completely lock up. My vision was blurred. Dizziness and nausea now enveloped me . My speech was nothing but incoherent mumbling. I was a shell of the man I had been when all this started. Just when I had reached and surpassed my limits a light finally appeared at the end of my seemingly endless tunnel. The portal from for  my escape was in sight.  The mere sight of it lessened my pain and strengthened my resolve. I spied the final guardian who stood at the gate. His eyes were cold and his mouth was frozen in a contemptuous smirk. I stared back at him defiantly as I limped passed  and  took my first steps towards freedom. Behind me heard him call out, “Thanks for shopping at Hobby Lobby and you folks have a great day!”

Monday, June 8, 2015

Confessions of a Fat Guy

I grew up skinny, I mean really skinny. Ribs were countable. Knees knobbed. My dad said that when I wore shorts I looked like a pair of pliers. All through my high school and college years my inseam possessed a larger number than my waist and through it all I ate with abandon.

"Yes, I'll have the 20 piece chicken nuggets. Ten tacos? No Problem. You know what makes a Big Mac even better? Another Big Mac!" Ah, that was the life...unlimited food without consequences.

But eventually, seemingly overnight, it caught up with me. It really seemed like I went to sleep one night blissfully slim and woke up to find that my face had grown two new chins and bending down to tie my shoes was suddenly difficult. I was forced to face the ugly truth, I had turned into a fat guy.

This realization resulted in my experiencing 6 stages of fat guyness:
  • Denial (I'm not fat, I've just finally filled out)
  • Bargaining (OK, I'll eat the Ultimate Cheeseburger today and I won't eat the rest of the week)
  • Anger (Which one of you jerks stole my metabolism?)
  • Depression (I feel sad, maybe a pizza will make me happy)
  • Indifference (I could lose it anytime I want, I'm just not sure I want to) and finally
  • Acceptance (I like being fat. I refuse to conform to society's superficial standards).

Truth be told I have lost weight several times. I have even kept if off for several years. But stuff happens and food's siren song always beckons. Eventually I wake up and once again see a fat guy staring back at me from the bathroom mirror. Over the last couple of years I have lost and found the same 25 pounds several times. I believe it is time for me to get off the weight-loss trampoline.

I recently opened a Facebook account. One reason for that is for accountability. I figure committing to make weekly weigh-in reports via social media will create incentive to stay the course. The possibility of public shame and scorn is powerful. In December I am going to California for a wedding and to spend Christmas with family . I want to weigh less than 200 pounds by then. In addition to my Facebook updates I will use this blog to occasionally provide more detail and observations about the process. Wish me luck.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

That's What I Think

Do you know what I think?  I think people should know what I think. I think people want to know what I think. I have many thoughts and I think the world deserves the opportunity to see those thoughts.  I think the world needs that opportunity, that it craves my insight. I think the lack of that opportunity is why we have so much angst and unhappiness.

OK, maybe not, OK, probably not. OK, definitely not. So why start a blog?  As I stated above, I have a lot of thoughts. I'd like to think that some of these thoughts are interesting  or amusing and that others might think so as well. So even though the world has neither demanded nor even requested a medium for seeing what passes through my brain, I am going to provide one anyways. I don't know exactly what direction this will take but if you happen to stop by let me know what you think.