Less Is not More

 

I am a stickler for grammar. I know when to use you’re instead your. I am well-versed on the proper times for to, too and two. I have even mastered the ever puzzling who vs. whom quandary. When I hear or read grammatical errors it is like the proverbial fingernails on a chalkboard. It’s painful. To make matters worse, I live in a region where proper grammar is considered ... well it isn’t considered at all. Phrases like “we was” and “I done it” are commonplace and sometimes people will just make up whole new words like “hisself” (“So he said to hisself…”). These assaults on the English language trigger a visceral, almost painful reaction in me.

I know that my grammatical snobbery says more about my character flaws than it does my linguistically challenged neighbors. Should it bother me as much as it does if a co-worker jumbles their tenses? Probably not. Is it normal that my neighbor using the wrong verb form in a participle causes me to visibly flinch? Nope. I have a problem and I realize it. Thus far (outside of immediate family and the occasional Twitter comment) I have managed to curb my impulses to correct people out loud and have suffered in tortured silence rather than reveal myself to be a nit-picking jerk. When Weird Al released his song Word Crimes with the video below, I have never felt more seen.

However, there is one grammatical battle that I believe is worth fighting and this is not merely a local issue. I have observed this error pervading common syntax for a while now and I can no longer stay silent. I am compelled to speak out. What is this travesty of which I speak? I am referring to the slow but steady disappearance of the word fewer from its proper usage and being replaced by the word less.

According to Merriam-Webster, fewer is to be used in reference to things which can be counted. For example, “I have fewer billy goats than I used to”. Less is to be used in reference to things which are measured. For example, “ I wish there was less tomfoolery”. Another way I look at it is that fewer should be used with plural nouns and less with singular nouns.

Everywhere I turn though, I see fewer being completely ignored. If I watch a baseball game the announcer says,” He’s hit less home runs this year than last year”. If I listen to a podcast I hear something along the lines of, “The candidate received less votes this time around but still held on to their seat”. Even articles from reputable news sources (depending on who you ask) mess this up regularly. Less people, less cats, less pistachios, less kidney beans. It never ends!

I think this is a symptom of our culture’s growing addiction to convenience, always seeking out shortcuts. Why bother cooking a meal when you can have one delivered for only five times the cost by Uber Eats? Reading a book is far too taxing. I’ll just listen to it instead. Meeting people in person is a hassle. I can just Facetime or Zoom. Why would I use a two syllable word when I can just use a one syllable word incorrectly and nobody will care? Well somebody cares.

I believe this is only the beginning. It won’t be long until you open the New York Times (its webpage of course, who actually reads a newspaper these days?) and see, “Stocks were down ‘cause of a bad jobs report from the Department of Labor”. Or your kid's teacher will send a note home saying, “Don’t forget that your on chaperone duty for the field trip”. Maybe the local weather report will predict, “Its going to rain tomorrow” (who needs those pesky apostrophes?). All because we as a society have chosen to take the easy road rather than the correct road. I know it appears dire but I have hope that it is not too late. Who is with me? Who will join me in my quest to return fewer to its right and proper place in our written and spoken communications? Who will stand with me against the tide of linguistic lethargy that threatens to devolve us into grammatical cavepeople? Our hearts will be strong because our cause is just. Join me before we have less time and fewer opportunities. (See what I did there?) We can triumph.

Ok, I got that off my chest. Don’t even get me started on people that write “loose when they mean “lose".