Soda Jerk

Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I think I'm a nice guy. I have no sworn enemies, that I know of. I make an effort to be pleasant when I am in public. I wait for my turn at four-way stops and I don't ever take more than 10 items into the Express Checkout Lane.

However, beneath this calm and seemingly pleasant veneer, lies a potential for rage that can be triggered by the most seemingly innocent of transgressions. When confronted by a certain behavior, my good nature takes a back seat to a far darker part of my psyche. There may not be any visible signs (possibly a slight narrowing of the eyes) but my mind will become both judge and jury for the culprit, declaring both verdict and sentence on the offending party.

Mind you, I am not talking about some heinous crime, but rather, a small thing that most people would probably hardly notice. What is this travesty of which I speak? People who dilly-dally getting themselves a self-serve drink.

One of my favorite developments over the past few decades is the appearance of the self -serve drink station. What's not to love? I get to choose from both a variety of cup sizes and soda choices, plus I am in complete control of my ice volume. (Fill that cup to the top, baby!) Also, free refills. It rocks! That is, until the person in front of you has no clue how to conduct themselves there.
This is the procedure. As you approach the apparatus, take note of what size and drink options are available to you and make your selection before you are actually standing in front of it. Once there, grab a cup, get some ice and then pour your drink. Once this is finished, if you want a straw or a lid, grab them and then step to the side to complete your mission. (Often, you can get the straw and lid while your drink is filling. If this is possible then by all means do so.)

Unfortunately, many people have failed to take my remedial soda fountain protocol class and are utterly inept at completing the simple task of getting a drink. Let me provide you with a scenario with a character I will call Chad.

First of all, Chad stands and stares at the vast array of soda options, overwhelmed to the point of apoplexy. Once he awakens from his soda stupor, he reaches for a cup but invariably grabs more than one and struggles to return the extraneous cup(s) to its proper place.

Chad then begins getting ice in his cup which you would think would be simple. Instead, it becomes a task that requires infinite precision, entailing innumerable fillings and dumpings to get just the right amount. At last, he actually begins filling his cup but is unable to properly judge the flow rate of the soda. This causes Chad's cup to overflow, necessitating a napkin so he can meticulously wipe his cup in order to save himself the indignity of sticky fingers.

Finally, and this is the worst part, he gets a lid and a straw and proceeds to stay put, right in front of the machine while he slowly unwraps the straw and dutifully throws away the paper. He then (still standing there, mind you) puts the lid on his cup and the straw carefully through the lid and he stands there taking a test sip to make sure everything is to his liking.

Here's the deal, Chad. When getting a self-serve soda, your mantra should be "Stick and move". Get in, get out and make way for the next guy. If you are getting a drink for someone else as well, you can get ice in one cup while pouring soda in the other one. Having two hands is amazing. This isn't hard. Also Chad, if you are there with a friend, this is not the place for conversation. Focus on the task at hand. You can talk later.

Stop being a soda lingerer. It's kind of rude and damn it, the rest of us are thirsty.
Am I being too harsh? It's possible. Maybe everyone else is not being harsh enough and so these offenders live under the delusion that their lethargic self service is acceptable behavior. Anyway, I've said my piece. So if you ever see me in a gas station or fast-food restaurant staring lasers into the skull of the person in front of me, you'll know what's going on.