The Road






In Christ alone, my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

The song above was one of my favorites to sing in church. It has a beautiful melody that is complex, yet easy to sing. If you are not familiar with it, you can listen to it here. Lyrically it is both poignant and succeeds in avoiding the sappiness found in many church songs. It has theological depth but is still accessible. It almost seems like a creed. In my opinion it is the best church song from the last 30 years. I would even argue that it is one of the top 10 hymns of all time.

I thought about this song one night a while back while driving down the interstate. It popped into my head out of nowhere and I started humming it to myself. Nearly 20 years ago I stepped away from active involvement in church. Up to that point, my life had been completely defined by my immersion in the world of Evangelical Christianity and ministry. My exit appeared to most who knew me as both sudden and shocking. Through that process I experienced a fair share of regrets and guilt.

Normally, memories from that section of my past trigger an unpleasant internal response; anxiety with just a touch of self-loathing. They accuse me of being a failure. They remind me about all the people that I let down. They tell me that I was a hypocrite and a fraud. As I said, it's not pleasant, so I have done my best to avoid them or shut them down when they show up.

For whatever reason, this night was different. I didn’t get my normal dose of stomach butterflies or tightness in my chest. I actually felt a twinge of nostalgia. There was still a feeling of loss, but it was peaceful. I found myself missing what that song had meant to me then and how it touched me. I missed singing those lyrics and feeling confident in what they said. I missed having that shared experience with others. It reminded me that not everything about that time was tainted with hypocrisy.

Since being on the outside of the conservative Christian circle, my worldview has shifted. I have listened to voices that I would have ignored before. I came to realize that I had carried my questions and doubts with me for years. I was just too scared to examine them. Freed from the public obligation of holiness and certainty, I have dared to challenge my assumptions.

Experiencing this intellectual, emotional, spiritual upheaval has at times resulted in cynicism. It's easy to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater, and I have been tempted to give up on faith altogether. What I experienced that night on the road has opened my mind to the possibility of rediscovering my faith. This time not to look for the cracks and fissures (I know where they are) but to find a way to repair it.

Just like that night I find myself on a road. Unlike that night, I don't know where this road will end. Many days I want to find the nearest exit and forget the road is even here. But deep inside I believe that this is a trip worth taking. I will share what I discover as I travel it. I would love to hear from some of you and where you find your road taking you. It's always better to travel together.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Old Man

Image
While driving with my dad on our way to play golf, sometime in May of 2004, he and I listened to one of his favorite tapes, John McDermott singing old sentimental Irish songs, Dad was a sucker for this type of music. Most people saw him as loud, aggressive and competitive but he definitely possessed a softer almost downright mushy side as well. Just before we reached our destination the song I have posted below played. When it ended I looked that over and saw his eyes had begun to well up. When we arrived at the golf course he said, "It's been over 30 years since my dad passed away and I still miss him. Do you think that’s strange?” I assured him that he was normal to feel that way and we got ready to play our round. I don’t remember anything about that round, I wish I could because as it turned out that was the last time he and I would play golf together. That summer he started not feeling well. Nothing serious it seemed,. just a low grade fever he couldn’t seem to sha...
Read more

Now What?

Image
When I went to bed last Tuesday night, things were not looking good for my presidential candidate of choice . By the time I woke up (quite early, by the way), it was over. The voters had made a clear choice. I was, and still am, utterly disappointed. As the reality of it set in, my gut reaction was a desire to confront Trump voters with words similar to the clip below. Fortunately, my intrusive thoughts remained just thoughts (for the most part), and I started asking myself, "What now?" The first thing I decided was that I need to have hope. Here is what I hope: I hope that I am wrong. I don't for a second believe that I am wrong about Donald Trump's lack of character or even decency, but I do hope that I am wrong about some of the policies he says he will put in place. I hope that I am wrong about his tariffs resulting in higher costs for consumer goods, making it even harder for people to provide for their families. I hope that I am wrong about his planned mass depo...
Read more

Decision 2024

Image
 In 1984, I cast my first presidential vote for Ronald Reagan. In the elections that followed, I voted for, in order: George H. W. Bush (twice), Bob Dole, George W. Bush (twice), John McCain, and Mitt Romney. Are you sensing a pattern? Looking back, I don’t regret any of my choices. Based on the information I had available to me, and even with the clarity of history, I am satisfied with the choices I made. My GOP voting streak ended in 2016. As GOP candidates began their runs for the White House in 2015, I put myself firmly in the “never Trump” camp. I watched in disbelief as Donald Trump’s support started to swell and he began to take control of the primaries. I was especially dismayed to see that he was being endorsed by a number of Evangelical leaders while there were still viable and, in my opinion, more appealing candidates. I was baffled as to how these “men of God” could support a man whose life and rhetoric were so clearly the antithesis of the “Christian values” they claim...
Read more