The Road

In Christ alone, my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

The song above was one of my favorites to sing in church. It has a beautiful melody that is complex, yet easy to sing. If you are not familiar with it, you can listen to it here. Lyrically it is both poignant and succeeds in avoiding the sappiness found in many church songs. It has theological depth but is still accessible. It almost seems like a creed. In my opinion it is the best church song from the last 30 years. I would even argue that it is one of the top 10 hymns of all time.

I thought about this song one night a while back while driving down the interstate. It popped into my head out of nowhere and I started humming it to myself. Nearly 20 years ago I stepped away from active involvement in church. Up to that point, my life had been completely defined by my immersion in the world of Evangelical Christianity and ministry. My exit appeared to most who knew me as both sudden and shocking. Through that process I experienced a fair share of regrets and guilt.

Normally, memories from that section of my past trigger an unpleasant internal response; anxiety with just a touch of self-loathing. They accuse me of being a failure. They remind me about all the people that I let down. They tell me that I was a hypocrite and a fraud. As I said, it's not pleasant, so I have done my best to avoid them or shut them down when they show up.

For whatever reason, this night was different. I didn’t get my normal dose of stomach butterflies or tightness in my chest. I actually felt a twinge of nostalgia. There was still a feeling of loss, but it was peaceful. I found myself missing what that song had meant to me then and how it touched me. I missed singing those lyrics and feeling confident in what they said. I missed having that shared experience with others. It reminded me that not everything about that time was tainted with hypocrisy.

Since being on the outside of the conservative Christian circle, my worldview has shifted. I have listened to voices that I would have ignored before. I came to realize that I had carried my questions and doubts with me for years. I was just too scared to examine them. Freed from the public obligation of holiness and certainty, I have dared to challenge my assumptions.

Experiencing this intellectual, emotional, spiritual upheaval has at times resulted in cynicism. It's easy to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater, and I have been tempted to give up on faith altogether. What I experienced that night on the road has opened my mind to the possibility of rediscovering my faith. This time not to look for the cracks and fissures (I know where they are) but to find a way to repair it.

Just like that night I find myself on a road. Unlike that night, I don't know where this road will end. Many days I want to find the nearest exit and forget the road is even here. But deep inside I believe that this is a trip worth taking. I will share what I discover as I travel it. I would love to hear from some of you and where you find your road taking you. It's always better to travel together.