25 Things I Would Prefer to the Dodgers Winning the World Series

As I write this I am watching pregame analysis for game 6 of the National League Championship Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Los Angeles Dodgers. I feel more nervous about this game than I normally would for a game not featuring my beloved San Francisco Giants. Let me explain.

I'm an amiable guy. I get along with just about everyone. I try to see the best in both people and situations. In fact I can only think of two things that I actually truly hate. One is walnuts (the open lip sore of the food world). The other is the Los Angeles Dodgers.

The disdain I feel for this team is difficult to describe but it is all too real. Let me put it this way. One of my top ten favorite sports moments of all time is when Joe Morgan hit a home run on the last day of the 1982 season to beat the Dodgers.(you can watch it here) This home run did not propel the Giants into the postseason but it did keep the Dodgers out and that was just as sweet. As far as I am concerned this is a team that should not be allowed to win. Since 1988 that has been the case and I hope it continues.

With this in mind, below is a list of things I would prefer rather than have the Dodgers win the World Series,

• Food Poisoning
• A root canal without anesthesia
• A popcorn shell permanently lodged between my teeth
• A long airline flight sitting between an ardent Trump supporter and and equally ardent Clinton supporter.
• Ear hair
• Photograph by Nickelback  on a continuous loop
• Eating my birthday dinner at a vegan restaurant
• "And the Oscar goes too...Pauley Shore"
• Binge watching a Housewives of (you name the location) marathon
• Ingrown toenails
• Taking a swig of expired milk
• War and Peace on audio-book as read by Fran Drescher
• Gluten free Thanksgiving
• A world free of deodorant
• Morning mouth all of the time
• "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States,,,Pauley Shore"
• Having everyone I know start referring to me as Mr. Fancy Pants
• Living with a goat
• Joe Buck's voice in my head doing play by play of my everyday life
• A bacon free lifestyle
• Presidential elections every year
• The new voice of Darth Vader: Gilbert Gottfried
• Waking up to purple eyebrows
• Less cowbell
• Any other team winning

Some of you may think I unreasonable but I don't. When faced with this level of pure evil, reason and tempered responses are not what is called for. I believe my cause is just and my heart is pure. This passion was given to me by my father and I have passed it to my sons. I will fight the good fight. Go Cubs!